Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Coleslaw Co'sla' Coslawz or David Allen Coe-slaw

Coleslaw can make or break many-a-meal for me, especially when it comes to fish, chicken or any hot meat meal. I have become so fed up with lack luster trash that I'm hesitant to order it at any restaurant.  In fact I can't even think of a place I would go and order the coleslaw.  If it comes in a tub at the store the only reason I could think of buying it would be to throw at someone or to film a movie involving mock vomit.

In reality, I can rarely resist ordering coleslaw anywhere because I love it so much.  It tastes so good, when it's good, but it's rarely any good.  So, once again I have tried to do it myself, cementing my dissatisfaction with all other slawz.

If you think you got a recipe, let me have it. I'll try it, but if it sucks I'll spend the money to mail what I don't eat back to you because Mrs. MuskOx's composter doesn't accept bad slaw.


Gather these ingredients.

1 Fat Cabbage
Yellow Mustard 1 TABLEspoon
Mayonaise 1/4 Cup
Sugar 1 TABLEspoon
Apple Cider Vinegar 2 Tablespoons
Fresh chopped garlic
6-8 Cups shredded cabbage

When buying a cabbage make sure that it's not rotten, that's all there is to it.  Also, I'm cheap and cabbage is sold by the pound so you're best bet is to remove any leaves of the cabbage that are wilted or that you think you might remove after you get home (or after you've bought them).  That way you're not wasting your money.  Trimming produce in the store may make you feel like an old granny trying to make it on a fixed income, but the employees don't care.  The company doesn't care, as long as your happy you'll keep coming back, which means they're happy so DON'T BUY IT IF YOU'RE GOING TO THROW IT AWAY!

Now for the mustard, I like French's yellow mustard. It's a bit more at the store but I like the taste, and if you think it doesn't taste any different than the store brand go ahead and get that.  Just don't tell me how it tastes the same and costs less, cause it doesn't. 

I might suggest playing with the mustard, but one should never mess with the Mayo. I use Hellmann's because it's actually made in Hell, by the Devil himself and tastes like Heaven.  Again, if you like something else go for it, but I recently learned Kraft mayo is runny compared to Hellman's, and you won't find Dale Earnhardt Jr. on a Kraft jar of mayo. 

Why is he on the Hellman's jar you may ask?

Because nothing goes together like mayo and NASCAR, that's why!

Sugar, I use white.  If you have a beef with white refined delicious all American sugar get over yourself.

Vinegar, any will do, but garlic not so fast.  You need fresh garlic.  I peel a lot of cloves and grind them. Then I freeze them, because that minced garlic stuff you buy in a big jar has no flavour.  It's like spelling the word flavour without the "u". 

No flavour!

Now you need to shred your cabbage.  As you see here I have elected to demonstrate the way I used to make slaw with my old KitchenAid tater peeler, but wait what is that lurking behind the tater peeler?

That would be the blade to my other KitchenAid device.  The slicer shredder attachment which will make shredded splendor out of a head of cabbage, or your fingers, in no time flat. 

 You can use the tater peeler but I like to use this thing.

Ahh, shredded splendor!
Now you have two choices you can mix up all these ingredients before you add it to the shredded cabbage or you can add it right into the bowl.  As for me, I just add it into the bowl and flip on the KitchenAid mixer.  This helps push the water out of the shredded cabbage so your slaw is not dry.  You may have initially been concerned that my sauce recipe was lacking in liquidity, but the majority of slaw liquid comes from the broken cabbage cells.

The mixer is on the first setting, I just didn't bother to increase my shutter speed.
Finally I like to chill the slaw before eating it, and top it off with a bit of Sriracha, or rooster sauce if you please.  This meal consisted of David Allen Coe-Slaw, sweet potato fries, avocado and catfish.  It's the cadillac of fish!

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  2. This finely shredded cabbage is good enough to eat. Truly. And I ate about a gallon of it when the maven left some of it at my place. No regrets about the gallon. Just wish I could've been a test piggy again :(